Maryamie: Joke

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Mon, 05 May 2008 23:57:51 GMT

Got this in email and had to share. Apparently what I learned about Cinco de Mayo in history books was wrong.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course as...

Sinko de Mayo

How to tell if you are married...

Sun, 04 May 2008 06:17:35 GMT

Got this via email from a fellow married girlfriend and had to share:

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

New Baby Face for Johnson & Johnson

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:34:09 GMT

We are here in New Jersey a day early for Johnson & Johnson's Camp Baby. Although the actual camp starts tomorrow, some of the executives and PR people wanted to meet with me earlier. They have asked me to keep the contents of the meeting confidential until further notice, but I just can't hold the secret in any longer. Just walked out of the meeting and Johnson & Johnson wants our baby to be the poster boy for all their baby products. Milan's smiling face will appear on all the baby products including the Shampoos and baby lotion and baby oil and powder. The have been looking for a baby with that multi ethnic look to represent the many faces of babies growing up in the US. I love Johnson's products; have used them long before I ever had a baby and will continue to use them now for Milan. In fact we are getting a life time supply of any of our choice products now that Milan is Johnson's new baby face.

Although I have been already rewarded so much for coming to Camp Baby, I can't wait to see all the Mommy Bloggers and hang out with Johnson's team during the next couple of days. At any rate, just wanted to share the good news, say hello from Jersey to you all and yell out April fool's!

The Ultimnate Peep Show

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:41:26 GMT

Got this in email yesterday and had to share!

For all my favorite 'peeps' :)

Happy Easter!

Funny Pick Up Lines

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:18:01 GMT

I was visiting my brother and his family over the weekend and when we arrived my niece and nephew started to tease me with the new funny pick up lines they had learned. I know there are entire sites on the internet about these, but these few were G-rated and cute, so I thought I would share.
As I sat down my niece reached behind my neck to check the tag of my shirt and then smiled and said, "Aaaaaaah, it reads, Made in Heaven!"
I started to laugh, but my nephew tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I have a better one for you. Do you have a map?" "And before I could answer, he added, "because I am lost in your eyes!"
My niece finished the lines off by asking me if I was tired and again before I could answer, she said, "Because you've been running in my mind all day long!"
And then they asked baby Milan if his Dad was a baker. And when I asked why, they answered, because he is a cutiepie!
Hey maybe I will try these on Robert when he comes back from his trip.

Health tip

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:00:14 GMT

Found this on email today and I thought it was fun to share with those of you worried for your health. For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 19:19:57 GMT

Here's another fun email that was forwarded to me. Enjoy!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ..

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Baby names and blogs

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 23:02:25 GMT

Chris just Imed me the new Blaugh comic that had me ROFL, because Robert had already suggested we name the baby Google and was disappointed that it was already done.

Banana Phone

Fri, 18 May 2007 23:38:08 GMT

Jeremiah just forwarded me a couple of funny links about Banana Phone. First one is just a cute song about banana phone, but once you hear it you can't get the tune out of your head. The second one is the parody of the first one. Some language and violent images to watch out for on this one though. They both made me laugh, but now I can't get the freaking song out of head. Yikes!!!

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 00:37:50 GMT

I am getting some funny emails today and I had to share this one:

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Nursery Rhymes - for Big Kids

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 22:46:24 GMT

Things have been way too serious around here lately. I got this in an email and it made me laugh. Hope it makes you laugh too. You have probably seen it before or you might not find it that funny, but hey it is my blog and I think it's pretty funny :)

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

How to avoid getting a speeding ticket

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 00:49:25 GMT

Rob has the best advice on how to avoid a speeding ticket for men. It helps if the officer has a sense of humor.

i-Boob

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 19:01:11 GMT

From my good friend Cathia:

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. The i-boob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

To: God From: the Dog

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 08:19:35 GMT

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Computer skills

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 22:04:31 GMT

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can' t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Ã¢â‚¬ Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Happy Halloween to all the cool cats I know

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 00:16:06 GMT

Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat...Thanks to Ben Constable, I found a very funny site with cool pictures of cats, so I thought I share it with you as a treat for Halloween. Hanging out with Ben Constable and his lovely and talented wife Kim Sacha in Redmond last week was really fun. We had some good food and smooth wine, listened to Kim play the Piano, while Ben showed us some fun sites on the Internets :) Kim is a champion Zuma player too and we have a cool video interviewing her about secret tips coming up in Scobleshow soon.

Happy Halloween!

Classy Insults

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 21:10:34 GMT

Thanks to my friend Cathia for forwarding this. Last one is my favorite:

Classy Insults

Ah, the days when insults had class....

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho
Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar
Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a
friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E.
Leonard

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent
hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." --
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar
Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather
than illumination." -- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

Ponderisms

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 00:30:41 GMT

They say blogs are time-consuming, but I have found that at least in one way, my blog is saving time for me. Instead of emailing the jokes I receive everyday, whenever I get a good one forwarded I just post it online. I liked the followings, and I hope you do too:

PONDERISMS

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Five tips for a woman....

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 18:02:38 GMT

This is pretty funny :)

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Engineers think differently

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 00:52:13 GMT

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 rod sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11 Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

12. 4536 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

1 8. 1 kilogram of fresh falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 16:49:42 GMT

   1. Open a new file in your PC.
   2. Name it "Housework."
   3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
   4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
   5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
   6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
   7. Feel better?

   Worked for me!

Marriage is a three ring circus and other great quotes

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 18:55:22 GMT

Marriage is a three-ring circus:   Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

~~~~~~~~

For Sale:   Wedding dress, size 8.   Worn once by mistake.  

~~~~~~~~

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:   Before marriage and after marriage.

~~~~~~~

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.   He thought he was God, and I didn't.

~~~~~~~

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

A Woman's Poem

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 03:03:42 GMT

I did not write this poem and I am not sure who the brilliant poetess is but it really touched me :)

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his MOMMA used to do.