Maryamie: step-parenting

My Stepson is a teenager now!

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 23:56:08 GMT

We celebrated Patrick's 13th birthday this Sunday by meeting at the Palo Alto Apple Store, so we could pick up his MacBook pro and then went out to lunch at Chef Chu's chinese restaurant. By we, I mean Patrick's Mom and her boyfriend, Robert and myself and of course Patrick. We have been getting together for Patrick's b-day in the last few years and we always have a good time. Since Patrick is either with us or them, it is the only time that he has all his extended family together and it is good for all of us too. We are very lucky that we get along well and can enjoy our time together.

I am also so proud of Patrick. He is growing into a sensitive, smart, and handsome young man. His grades in school are all great. He knows alot more about computers than I do and can hold his own around his dad and other geeks. he is a joy to have around. When his dad comes home late or is away on business travel, he is the best company to have around. We watch movies together, run errands and go out shopping or to grab a bite. I tend to forget that he is so young as he can hold up his end of conversation on so many different topics and even give me sound advice.

Happy Birthday Patrick. You are a dream come true :)

To Baby or not to Baby

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 08:38:53 GMT

The morning after the wedding, Patrick and I made our way to the hotel's restaurant for breakfast and on our way there ran into a few happy couples we had seen in the wedding last night in the hotel lobby. After exchanging greetings and agreeing that we had all witnessed the most beautiful wedding the night before we bid each other farewell and continued on our seperate ways.

After we had left our friends, Patrick turns to me and says nonchalantly: "Well I think everyone went to their hotel rooms after the wedding last night and had sex. That wedding was hot."
"yeah everyone except your Dad and I, since we had to share the room with you." I sigh.
Patrick shrugs: "just doing my part to make sure you don't have babies."
I laugh, but later that day as we pass by a cute baby I turn and ask him:
"Why not? babies are cute. you could hold them and cuddle up with them and play with them."
He counters: "First of all they are time consuming and you have to spend lots of money on them. You won't be able to go out and travel and entertain as much as you want to. You have to give up the lifestyle that you love and are used to and most importantly, you won't pay as much attention to me."
"I still love you darling and babies, well they are cute."
"yeah whatever, just get a hamster."

Kid speak

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 18:25:26 GMT

As much as I pride myself in being bilingual (Farsi and English), I just found out that I am completely deft when it comes to kid speak. Patrick’s Mom and Robert showed me this weekend, that even though I have come a long way in learning about raising kids, being a step-parent, I am still a few steps behind them when it comes to understanding Patrick.

Here’s what Patrick said: “You know, now that you and Dad live closer, I would like to spend more weekends with you here. I like hanging out with you guys.”

My heart melted. I said: “Sweetie, of course. You are always welcome here. We love having you around.” And then I turned to Robert and said: “Did you hear what your son said? He loves spending his weekends with us. Isn’t that great?”

Robert took one look at Patrick, smiled and then said to me: “Translation: He likes to spend more time playing Xbox 360 on the HDTV.”

I felt so betrayed and looked back at Patrick, who shrugged and said: “well I like hanging out with you AND Xbox 360.”

I am such a sucker!

So then sometime later I am on the phone with Patrick’s Mom and we are discussing pick up times and drop off times for the weekend and She says: “I know Patrick is supposed to be with you this Thanksgiving, but if you guys are not doing anything special, do you think it would be ok if he spend it with my family? He has told me, you know Mom, Thanksgiving is more of your family’s Holiday. You are so much more into it.”

I said sure, if Patrick wants to be with you, that’s no problem with us.

She laughs and says: “well when he says he wants to be with us, it means he really wants my sister’s pies.”

So of course I confront the little devil and accuse him: “You sold us for pie!”

He shrugs again and says “and I sold out time with my mom for playing Xbox 360. It’s what kids do, Maryam.”

“So you are telling me in order for us to have you want to spend time with us, we have to buy you things?” I ask incredulously.

“Well,” he says very calmly as if he is the adult and I am the kid who needs to have simple things explained to her very slowly, “you have to buy me things not only to have me spend time with you, but to love you as well.” Then he pats me on the back, and puts on his white headphones again listening to a tune I am probably too old to understand. I get up to leave, having facts of life explained to me from a twelve year old, but I still give him a hug and notice that he doesn’t pull back when I kiss him on the cheek. If I can still read body language correctly, I guess he still has a soft spot for good old step mom.

Summer boys

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 20:02:17 GMT

Back in my college days, when I was very young and very single, summer was my season of love and levity. As a literature major, I read plenty of poetry and novels through out the long nights about love and lust and typed my own analysis in the early hours of the morning. Writing and reading and analyzing went on for three seasons of the year, but when the days grew longer and the sun shone bright in the summer sky, it was time to make poetry and fall head over heals in love.

There was a park across the college complete with a little lake alive with rambunctious ducks. There were grass laden paths shaded with old and wise trees watching over the lovers who walked hand in hand protected by their shade. You could sit across your sweetheart and sip iced coffee topped with whip cream in the cafe by the park or take your lover for a long drive in the hills. The drive was full of curves and there were hidden spots where you could stop the car and lose yourself in your lover’s arms.

Every summer I had a crush on a different boy. Summer was the season of love and the summer boys made each and every summer unforgettable with their easy laughter, playful banter and passionate ways.

A few years ago, when I finally said, “I do,” with all the excitement and happiness I could manage, I thought that my fun summer days were a thing of the past. After all, now I had a man for all seasons. Ever since we moved to Seattle though, my stepson, Patrick has been coming to visit us for the summer and I find myself preparing for his summer visits with so much excitement. Patrick and his little friends from our neighborhood run around the back yard with their toy swords and toy guns, take makeshift covers behind the bushes and the patio furniture, or sit transfixed for hours playing the Xbox at home. For the three months of summer, our home is much messier, much noisier, and a whole lot more fun to live in. In the fall when Patrick leaves, I find myself listening for his light footsteps coming down the stairs in vain. These summer boys are much younger and shorter than the ones from my past. Their mischievous laughter though fills my heart with a kind of love that I have never felt before. Someday not too far in the future, they’ll be tall and lanky like the summer boys of my past and they will take their sweethearts for walks at the park in summer days. Until then, I’ll watch them fondly as they light up my heart and my summer days.

Deconstructing the Myth of the Wicked Step Mom

Tue, 02 May 2006 05:57:20 GMT

When I was growing up, I didn’t know anyone whose parents were divorced and if by chance the relations between some parents were less than amicable, still I didn’t know anyone who had step parents. Reading fairy tales and watching cartoons, step moms seemed to be the evil incarnate. The step moms that I knew from books and movies poisoned their step children with red apples and made them do excruciating chores or they just sent them away to some far away boarding school. While every little girl dreams of being Cinderella or the fairy princess, I doubt that any of us ever thought about growing up to be a step mom.

The first time I remember hearing about a real life step mom was when I over heard one of the boys in my high school chemistry class, telling his friend how he wished he could concoct an explosive potion and have it blow up in his step mom’s face. It’s been almost twenty years and I can still hear his words clearly: “My Step Mom is a real b----. I hate her. I want to blow her f—ing face off. I HATE HER!” Well, if any of the stories I had read had a grain of truth in them, I couldn’t blame the poor kid. I remember shuddering to myself thinking, I was so glad I didn’t ever have to deal with such a horrible person as a step mom. You’d think that in college or later in my professional life I would have met someone who grew up with step parents and had great stories to say or was a step parent themselves and stood as an antithesis to the books’ examples, but I can’t recall any such memory. It’s not that I didn’t meet people coming from extended families, but the early impressions were so hard ingrained in my mind, that I honestly can’t recall anyone offsetting them.

Nothing in my life had ever prepared me to become that dreaded, hateful figure in someone else’s life: a step mom. And yet here I was marrying Robert and as a result becoming Patrick’s step mom. The concept frightened me to no end. What if Patrick would grow to hate me and want to blow my face off with explosive materials? What would I do without a face? Or worse what if becoming a step mom suddenly transformed me into something utterly evil? Would I spend my time asking mirrors whether I was the fairest of them all? Would I show up unannounced with a golden apple laced with poison and trick Patrick into eating it? Would I try to push him into the oven and cook him? Oh wait, that was another story…but the questions remained, would I hate him? Would he hate me? Would we hate each other? Would life be miserable and full of hate and fear? Oh how I hated to become the wicked step mom.

After four years of being Patrick’s step mom, however, I know the answer to all those questions: Well, of course not! What was I thinking? If you have ever seen Patrick and me interact, you’d know that we enjoy a loving, close relationship. What I thought would be one of the most formidable relationships in my life, has proven to be a source of blessing and joy I never dreamt of experiencing and don’t want to live without.

So what is the secret to our success? How do we make it work so well? For me, these five simple rules have worked the best to have a great relationship with my step son.

First and foremost, you have to build a good relationship with their mother. I am not saying you need to become best friends, but like it or not you are now parts of the same extended family. If you treat each other with respect and think of the welfare of the child, you’ll find that you are on your way to having a good relationship with your step child and family. Patrick’s mom and I have a great relationship now, but it is something that we both work on and since we both care for Patrick, we make it work. We both know that it is so much easier to get along and try and meet the other person half way than deal with each other with animosity and resentment.

Secondly, remember that as a step parent, you are not taking the place of the parent, even though you might have some parental responsibilities. Think of yourself as being a step away from a parent and try and be a positive adult role model and a good friend for your step child. I have never tried to take the place of Patrick’s Mom, but in her absence I try and be a good friend and a positive influence in Patrick’s life. Patrick calls me Memi, which is a cross between mommy and Maryam. it works just fine.

Also, try and enjoy the time you spend with your step child by finding out a point of common interest, such as going to the library, seeing a movie, or playing sports. You can make your bond so much stronger by spending time together and doing something that you both enjoy. Patrick and I like watching movies together and discussing them. At summer times when he is here we go swimming together and then head out for sandwiches. We have so much fun doing the things that we both enjoy.

When it comes to discipline, you must choose to be a good cop and let their Mom or Dad play the bad cop. I always think everyone responds so much better to positive reinforcement. Robert calls them bribing, but if Patrick gets good grades or he helps around the house or does anything good, I always make sure to reward him with money, gifts or something that he likes. We are lucky that he is such a good boy, but giving him incentive helps even more.

Last but not least, I try and respect Patrick and make sure that when he is with us he is well taken care of and is having fun. Divorce and remarriage are such big changes in everyone’s lives, especially children. They need to feel secure about their new situation and have a sense of normalcy about their lives. Allowing them to have a space that is theirs in the house and having routines that you can stick by and creating an atmosphere of mutual respect go along way to secure a happy home for you and your family.

What I am trying to say is that step moms are not so wicked and although each situation is unique, there are step moms out there who love their step children and are loved by them. It’s really not that hard to deconstruct the myth of the Wicked Step Mom. It worked for us J

How are you two related?

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 03:44:25 GMT

People who don't know us are always trying to figure out how my step son and I are related, when they see us together. We don't look anything alike and yet they see us interacting like loving close family members. We get the strangest comments.

Once a couple of years ago, I took Patrick to the Los Gatos post office with me. If you are not familiar with that area, I can fill you in. Los Gatos is peopled mainly with white upper class citizens. A common sight on a Sunday morning on the main street side walk is white beautiful women walking in designer track suits with a sweater draped over their shoulders and a little dog in their arms. You get the picture.

The nice man behind a counter who was helping me that day smiled at Patrick and then turned to me and said: "He is very cute; are you his Nanny?" Of course, he was very quick to apologize when I said, no. He explained, he hardly saw children with their parents in the area. They were always accompanied by their nannies, he said and shook his head.

Another time, Robert, Patrick and I were having dinner with some friends and there was a couple present who didn't know us. The woman turned to us and said, your son is very cute. He looks just like his dad. Then as a way of apology turned to me and said, and of course he has your smile. I thought it was the nicest way of saying, your son doesn't look anything like you.

The best case was yesterday though. Patrick and I were waiting in line at the airport and chatting about our iPods. I was telling Patrick that I like my Nano, when the young girl behind me said, I like mine too, and showed me hers. We started chatting with her about Xbox 360 and Macs and other stuff. Finally, as we are boarding the plane, she asks us: so what are you guys? Brother and sister?

I laughed and said, no, Patrick is my step son. The twenty some years old girl smiled and said, oh I would have never thought that. You are too hip to be a Mom.

I could have kissed her right there and then. She totally made my day :)